Rosie, whose looks meant she would never be short of a ‘feller’, had put her finger on one of the basics of a marriage contract. Ignoring for the moment the idea of same sex partnerships, there must be two parties to a marriage contract: a man and a woman. If either bride or groom fails to turn up, the wedding can’t take place and the day is unlikely to be a rousing success.

It may turn out to be a memorable one, but for all the wrong reasons. And though you can insure against all manner of contingencies affecting the BIG DAY, even the destruction of the wedding veil by the spitting image of Mr. Rochester’s first wife, you can’t insure against a bride or groom deciding not to appear.

Neither can you insure against either of them turning out to be Mr. or Mrs. Hyde after the wedding instead of the Mr. or Mrs. Jekyll they were before. This might be why your past ‘romances’ have ended in failure. Perhaps you choose or allow yourself to be chosen by somebody who is never going to give you any commitment. And the reason for those choices is that it is you yourself who is afraid of it.

A Wedding Or Marriage?

Girls, for example, are often caught up in the excitement of other women’s engagements, the handsome man whose love they have won for ever, his ring (holding out a finger for closer inspection), the wedding arrangements, magazines, the number of guests and bridesmaids, their dresses, and all the other paraphernalia that go to make up most modern weddings. They are further enchanted by the glitter and the glitz, not to mention the cost, of many celebrity marriages. Never mind that these may last only a few months . . . in one famous case less than 20 hours. Magazines battle to get pictures of the bride, the groom, their wonderful attire and wedding breakfast (but, unless they want to risk being sued, never of anybody actually eating it) and no mention of the fee paid for this ‘free’ publicity.

Such pictures along with chat in offices and factories, often act as a subtle inducement for girls to tie the knot with their current boyfriend, however unsuitable he might be as a long-term partner. They do not even seem to contemplate the future life they will lead together, except perhaps in material terms. The marriage lasts a few years, if that, and a breakup follows, often with emotional upsets that last a long time afterwards. Yet this conclusion could be seen almost from the start. The package not the contents were the attraction. Once the package has been discarded, the contents soon follow.

More Than Physical?

Men get caught up in another type of trauma. The package in this case is a woman’s beauty, her charm, sometimes her ‘fatal attraction’. Even if the man realises she is unsuitable in other ways, somehow he finds himself, against all his more rational judgement, desperately wanting more than friendship. Unlike women, he is blessed/cursed with an organ which when functioning does not allow him to use his brain. For her part, the girl is more than willing to be seduced into a relationship by protestations of love. Without making any commitment, the pair move into his or her place and before long wonder whatever caused them to do so. They will be lucky if they manage to split up without some emotional or financial damage – especially if she becomes pregnant.

That alters everything and for short-term relationships, rarely for the better. Save for a few odd instances we are long past the age of chivalry. Nearly half a decade has passed since Allan Sillitoe wrote in Saturday Night And Sunday Morning about the working class lad who gives up his aspirations for betterment to wed the local lass he has got ‘into trouble’. The much more likely scenario today is for the man to leave the young mum or pregnant lover to the tender mercies of the local council and the Department of Social Security.

Relationships between young men and young women usually lead along either of two paths: (i) a breakup or (ii) setting up home together in marriage or outside it. Breakups depend on many things, sometimes quite small ones . . . or so they seem to outsiders. Setting up home together does not include the non-sexual relationships, such as flat sharing. These are restricted from developing into anything more by constraints of kinship (family) or place (office, school, etc.) and can go on for years. By contrast a ‘platonic’ friendship, so called, between a man and woman, can continue only when one is unable to go further because of constraints of a different kind: legal, moral or physical.

Allowing for these exceptions, platonic ‘friendships’ are doomed to failure. They promise much, but deliver little, especially of commitment. And the reasons they deliver little might be because:

• one of the pair does not want more
• there is too big an age gap
• a pseudo-kinship relationship (godfather, adopted ‘uncle’) exists
• a fear of physical sex (it happens)
• one, or both, are already married and unable to exchange one tie for another, though happy enough to take whatever is available.

 

Other reasons are that one of the pair prefers:

• the company of their own gender or
• non-physical communication, for example by letter.

 

The following examples show how commitment is avoided by always finding the wrong man or woman to pair up with.


The only way to deal with this kind of non-committed person is to be equally non-committal yourself. No premarital sex here. You’ll gain nothing by giving in. Similarly for gamblers, alcoholics, drug addicts and people already married whose wives/husbands don’t understand them but who don’t want a divorce.