Problem Solving

Men like to solve problems, women to discuss them. So if a woman tells a man of something that is troubling her, the man will try to solve it. She doesn’t necessarily want that solution. She just wants somebody to listen to her. He for his part can’t understand why if there is a problem it shouldn’t be sorted out, and may even give advice on how to do so. Alternatively he may think it’s too small, too trifling to discuss, and if his wife grabs him as soon as he comes in to tell him of the piffling problem that concerns her (and adds a few examples of her terrible day), he will soon accuse her of’nagging’. The evening begins in misery and ends in catastrophe. By listening to a wife’s problem, no matter how insignificant it appears, a man shows that he cares. By choosing the right time, a woman gets the attention she needs.

Never From Venus . . . Or Mars

In his book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, John Gray gives some excellent advice for ‘improving communication and getting what you want in your relationships’. However, looking with English eyes through his somewhat formidable list of’101 Ways to Score Points with a Woman’ (offer to build a fire in wintertime; leave the bathroom seat down; offer to make the tea, open the door for her, carry the groceries, heavy loads; change light bulbs when they go out), one wonders what kind of species the American woman is. Judging by this list, she certainly can’t come from Venus. If a man from the north of England tried to woo a woman by using some of the tips listed, the response he’d be most likely to get is ‘Are you feeling all right, Jack?’

A Listening Ear

The advice on listening (number 80) sounds somewhat strange: ‘reassure her that you are interested by making little noises like ah ha, uh-huh, oh, mmhuh and hmmmm’. My husband added his own ‘miaow’ to this one. As for number 19: ‘when she talks to you, put down the magazine or turn off the TV and give her your full attention’, the mind boggles. The American male presumably never listens to a sports channel, such as one relaying football and particularly the World Cup. Can you honestly imagine an English fellow of any age, keen on football, switching off the TV and tuning into some chat in which he hasn’t the slightest interest whatever, especially when a goal looks imminent? He might turn off the TV once, or if newly married even twice, but football/rugby lasts two seasons and cricket/tennis follow and sometimes even run in parallel.

One clever advert sums it up. It shows a woman sitting with her back to the TV set at which a friend stares at the match on the screen. Seeing his glued eyes apparently focused on her (does she need bi-focals?) she tells him, ‘What I like about you, is that you’re such a good listener.’ That advert says it all. If you can’t make it, fake it and after reading John Gray’s 101 ways to woo a woman a man is more likely to rue her than to woo her.

Still, a husband and wife can have great fun doing some chore or other (like shopping, putting in a light bulb) and saying any number that comes into their head, while the other can counter by giving a different number and chore (’making the bed, cooking the dinner’). The number doesn’t really matter, it’s the laugh that counts.

But Gray is right, listening to your partner is very important. You can often see that somebody is not listening to what you are saying because though they may be looking at you, they seem to be thinking of other things. Good listeners are rare. Become one of them.